Revisions

Blue

I stare at the aqua ripples of the waves

as they swiftly roll to the sand, over and over.

I look far out to the horizon

where the deep water and bare sky meet,

and are blended together by a sapphire pastel.

Almost as if someone rubbed their thumb over the colors, creating brand new ones.

The endless periwinkle sky is everywhere I look.

I feel calm as I lie down and gaze

at this indigo picture, painted so smoothly, perfectly.

Each component is a different brush stroke.

A cool breeze sweeps over me.

I'm so relaxed I could fall asleep

to the sound of the waves

as they hit the sand over and over.

I Wish I Knew

I can't even begin to explain

or morph it into words.

I can't take it back

when I’m not sure where I went wrong.

I know it makes no sense;

I can’t say I know the answer.

I'm trying to figure it out,

but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.

This time will be different,

I can promise you that.

But I can't promise it will work,

we'll have to take a chance.

Lauren - your first poem, Blue, is lovely with strong images.  I think your second poem would be improved if you also used imagery instead of being so direct in telling the reader what is going on.  I suggest you free-write for 5-10 minutes, and see what images pop up.

Mimi Moriarty

I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew how to tell you

but my voice is on mute.

Trying to morph my thoughts to words

is an impossible struggle.

I wish I knew what was

running through your mind.

The deep look in your eyes

makes me yearn for answers.

I wish you knew

how much this is haunting me.

I wish I knew whether to follow

my mind or my heart.

Blue

The aquamarine ripples in the waves

climb on top of one another

as they roll to the sand, over and over.

Where the deep water and bare sky meet;

they are blended together by a sapphire pastel.

It’s as if someone rubbed their thumb on the horizon,

morphing together the calm navy ocean

and endless periwinkle sky.

This indigo picture is a beautiful combination

of peace, harmony and calmness.

I believe that my second poems are better than my first ones.  I thought Mimi Moriarty’s advice was very helpful for my poem I Wish I Knew. In the first poem I was too direct with what I was saying. I told the reader exactly what I meant instead of showing them with imagery. I used her advice and free wrote for a few minutes just to see what images popped up in my head that I could use for the poem. In the second poem I said “my voice is on mute” and “this is haunting me”. This gives more visual for the reader and room for their interpretation. My second poem for Blue was also better than my first one. I decided there were certain things that I could take out that weren’t very important. I also decided to take myself out of the poem instead of saying “I look out to the horizon” I just described it without saying “I”. I think cutting down the poem to just descriptions made it a lot better because there was no extra lines or unnecessary things like me being in the poem.